How to Succeed in Philosophy Without Really Trying
by anti-pookie
Summary: Maureen and Lucas are curious as to how exactly Collins and Zane got expelled from MIT, and they manage to talk them into telling their story via flashback.
1. Prologue: I've Been Thinking

_AN: So, I've been toying around with this idea in my brain for a while (over a year, in fact), and I decided to finally get it down on paper a couple weeks ago. I'm actually kind of glad I waited this long. I don't think it would have turned out quite as good if I'd done it earlier. _

_Part of the reason I wanted to do this is because I've been called both the Zane and the Collins of my friends, so I figured a story with the two of them as the central characters would be easy and fun for me to write. Also, I've just kind of wondered why exactly Zane did get expelled. I thought it could be a fun idea, so here it is._

_Also, for the sake of the story, RENT takes place from 2003-2004 (Yeah, I know. But it's the only way I could get the timeline to work.) and Lucas did come home from MIT. _

_Disclaimer: I own neither Eureka, nor RENT. Damn. _

* * *

**New York City; Mark and Roger's Loft**

"So, Collins? I've been thinking," Maureen started.

"Well, that's never a good sign," Collins joked. She threw a bottle at his head and he dodged it easily.

"How _exactly_ did you get kicked out of MIT?" she continued without missing a beat.

"Yeah, you know, I've been thinking about that, too," Roger added, suddenly much more interested in the conversation than in Mark.

"That's actually a pretty amusing story. It was mostly a student's fault. Real young guy, uh... Zeke? No, Zane. That was it. Zane Donovan."

"That name sounds familiar..." Joanne muttered. "Was this the same Zane Donovan that crashed the Stock Market a few years ago?"

"You know, knowing Zane, it wouldn't surprise me."

"So what exactly were you doing with this Zane Donovan that you got fired?" Maureen asked suggestively.

Collins laughed. "Wouldn't you bitches like to know."

"Uh, yeah, we would. I think that's why Maureen asked," Mark said with a small smile. He picked up his camera and started to wind it up. "Come on. Tell us!" He trained the camera on Collins.

"Fine. I had been teaching there for about two years when this kid Zane joined my class..."

* * *

**Eureka; Cafe Diem**

"Hey, Vince. Hit me up with a Vinspresso?" Zane sat down at the counter at Café Diem.

"Sure thing. One Vinspresso, coming up."

"Hey, uh, Zane?" Zane turned to see Lucas standing there looking at him.

"What?" He asked, trying to put as much annoyance into his voice as possible. He wasn't sure why the kid even wanted to talk to him. Everyone in this town was acting so _weird_ lately. Lupo, Carter, Henry, Alison, Fargo. And that new guy Grant was fishy as hell.

"You went to MIT for a while, right?" Lucas sat down next to him. _Damn. Guess that means he's not going away anytime soon_, Zane thought.

"Yeah. Year and a half. Why? You're going there, right?"

"Yes, I am. And while I was there I noticed something."

"Lots of things to notice there. Something in particular, or is this story going nowhere?" Zane muttered snarkily. Lucas ignored him and continued.

"Well, it's kind of the "Trickster School" of colleges, right? They play a lot of big pranks there?"

Zane smiled fondly and got a nostalgic look in his eye. "Yup. I never felt more at home than I did there."

"See, that's what I thought you'd say. So what I was wondering was how bad of a prank did you pull that you got expelled?" Zane looked at the teenager for a second, and then burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" Vince asked, setting the cup of Vinspresso down in front of him.

"Lucas wants to know how I got expelled from MIT."

"You know, I've wondered that before, too. Bet it's an exciting story." Vince pulled up a chair and look expectantly at Zane, whose smile faded almost immediately.

"Really? You guys actually want me to tell you?" They both nodded enthusiastically. He sighed, aggravated. "Alright. Fine. I had to take this philosophy class while I was there. The professor was this guy name Collins, and we hit it off almost immediately…"

* * *

_So, I hope you enjoyed that. I've got the next couple chapters already written, or at least planned out in my head. As always, reviews are appreciated. If you've got any suggestions about anything, feel free to send me something. I've already got all sorts of crazy antics planned (Now if only I could figure out the crazy antic that actually gets them expelled...), but fresh thoughts are good. :)_

_Hobey-ho,_

_anti-pookie_


	2. Chapter 1: A Verbal Bitch Slap

_AN: OK, so for this, the flashback to 2003 is in regular font, and the present day interruptions are in italics. Just to clear that up. _

_I promise I'll have the next chapter up quicker, but school kind of got in the way for this one. I'l probably update every week to two weeks._

* * *

It was the first day of the semester. I was getting ready for my first class of the day. It was going to start in about ten minutes, and kids were starting to trickle in. Most of them were your typical college student, but there were two that really stood out. They may be the oddest couple I have ever seen.

"_Even odder than Mark and Roger?" Maureen asked with a small smile._

"_Way odder than Mark and Roger. Even odder than you and Joanne." Everyone nodded in appreciation._

The first one was, for lack of a better word, a hick. There's really no other way to describe him. He had a mullet and was wearing ratty jeans, boots, and a flannel shirt with the sleeves ripped off. Like I said, hick.

The other boy was very young looking; he couldn't have been older than 13 or 14.

"_A 13 year old at MIT?" Joanne asked skeptically. _

"_That does sound a little unlikely," Mark said, looking up from the camera. _

"_Do you want me to tell the story or not?"_

"_Right. Sorry. Continue."_

He couldn't have been older than 13 or 14. He was trying to slouch, make it seem like he didn't care about anything here, but one look at his face ruined that illusion. He was drinking in everything he saw, bright blue eyes shining. He obviously couldn't wait for class to start. He was a nice contrast to the other kids, who tended to take philosophy because they thought it was just crazy thinking and it would be easy. Idiots.

The boys sat down in the front of the room. Hick-boy was blabbing away non-stop, and I don't think he realized his friend wasn't listening to a word he said. I started speaking to get everyone's attention.

"Now, I'm not like most professors. I don't like doing lectures and papers and all that shit, cause that's not philosophy, and I'd have to grade it all later. I prefer class-wide discussions. Also unlike most of your professors, I make an effort to get to know my students. Not just your names, either, which is a hell of a lot more than most of them. Any question?" The really young boy raised his hand. "Yes, um…?"

"Zane Donovan."

"_Oh, so the kid is Zane. I was gonna put money on Hick-boy. I can totally see you dating him," Roger said with a smirk. Mark smacked him on the back of the head and shushed him. He lounged across the couch, sticking his feet in Mark's lap. Mark made a face at him. "Carry on."_

"Yes, Zane?"

"Do you give the Umbridge speech to every class, or are we just special? And while we're on the subject of Umbridge, will you be wearing a pink cardigan to class one day? I'd like to know ahead of time so I can remember to bring my camera." An evil smirk was on his face. Several students were trying not to laugh, and his friend stealthily gave him a high-five under the table. (Well, he _tried_ to do it stealthily, at any rate. I think he was a little stoned.) I had to admit, it was pretty funny, but I couldn't let him know that.

"You think you're real clever, don't you, Donovan?"

"Hm, yeah, I'd say I think I'm pretty clever. You, on the other hand…"

"Cocky, too. I'll have to remember that."

"Way I see it, it's only cocky if you think you're better than you actually are."

"I think we're gonna have a lot of fun together this semester, boy."

"Why, Professor Collins, I'm flattered, but I'm only 14, so that's kind of illegal. And not in the fun way. Frankly, you're not really my type, anyway."

"_Am I the only one who thinks this kid is awesome?" Roger laughed._

"_I think he's a bit of a smart ass, like a certain someone else I know," Mark replied with a pointed look. Roger stuck his foot in his face._

"_Keep talking, Collins, just ignore us." Collins rolled his eyes at his two best friends._

"That's alright, you're not my type, either. I prefer my boys old enough that they don't have to live with mommy and daddy anymore." His smirk faltered when I mentioned his parents, but he recovered before anyone else noticed.

"Just cause it's jailbait doesn't mean you can't want it. Wouldn't blame you if you did, either. I am pretty damn sexy."

"By your definition, that was cocky." The class looked like they weren't sure how to handle the exchange. Which side do you pick in a situation like this: the snarky kid, or the professor?

"At least I don't look homele-"

"Zane! Dude, shut up!" His redneck friend grabbed his arm and pulled him back into hiss seat.

"You should listen to your friend there, Zaney-Boy. Pretty obvious he's the brains of the operation." Zane opened his mouth, but his friend smacked him on the back of the head. He slumped down in his seat, crossing his arms over his chest, and pouted. "What's your name?" I asked Hick-boy.

"Ash."

"Well, Ash, you keep a close eye on him. I have a feeling he's gonna need someone to keep him in line." Zane snorted as if to say 'Yeah, right, like he could keep me in line', but I ignored him. "He starts being a smartass, just tell me and I can give him another verbal bitch-slap in front of everyone."

"From where I'm sitting, you were getting a pretty good verbal smacking yourself, old man," Zane shot back before Ash could stop him. I flashed him a copy of his own permanent smirk, but otherwise ignored him again.

"Now, getting on with the actual _class_ part of class…"

"_This kid sounds like a Mini-Collins!" Maureen said from here seat on Joanne's lap. _

"_Just wait, the comparisons get better. There's a reason he was my favorite student. He was a good kid. Well, not really, but you get my point. He had no respect for authority, but then, I don't either." _

"_I can't believe this kid was going to MIT when he was 14, especially with an attitude like that," Joanne said. _

"_It gets even less believable when you learn he was starting his sophomore year." Mark did that weird little eyebrow-quirk-thingy that he does. _

"_I'm not buying that."_

"_I swear on Angel and Mimi's souls, I am telling the truth."_

"_Alright, we believe you. Now keep telling the story!" Roger demanded, looking and sounding like a little kid. _

"_OK, OK. A couple weeks later, I managed to start class off with a bang…"

* * *

_

_As always, review!_

_Hobey-ho,_

_anti-pookie_


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